....I feel so much better about what I draw. Seriously, it's awesome.

I was afraid that it might essentially kill off my passion for drawing, but quite the opposite has happened.

Yay. :D

Anyone who has ever played a video game with NPCs knows that no matter how many times you talk to them, they'll repeatedly say or ask the same thing. Unless the NPC is a plot device, they're completely irrelevant whatsoever to the rest of the game. There's this girl who I sometimes talk to, though not that often, and when I do she always asks me "Do you have a boyfriend?". As you could guess she asks it in kind of a subtle bitchy way trying to put me on the spot in front of others.

Obviously, I'm not bothered by that, I'd have to be a pretty weak dipshit if I was and her opinion of me is completely irrelevant. But, it really says a lot about her. Why not ask me "Hey, what classes do you have this semester?" or "Hey, what kind of pizza toppings do you like?". Why is it always that question? It's kind of obvious at this point.

THIS is why I never want to be in a relationship. I don't want to be like her. I want to have my own life, my own interests and my own identity. I never want my worth to be depended on my physical appearance or relationship. I don't want to be known as just Mrs. ____ or ____'s girlfriend or something along those lines. I've seen too many pathetic women who have been subjected to that because they're weak (I know there are men who do this too, but I don't find it to be as common or I guess prominent).

That's the main reason why I don't work on my appearance too much (aside from convenience). Obviously I take care of my personal hygiene and such, but I don't spend hours doing my hair or trying to pick out the perfect outfit, because I don't want to be noticed because of my appearance. If I am noticed I want it to be because of my ideas or creativity or something, that's my idea of empowerment.

Anywho, the real issue comes in when I wonder if I can actually be respected in life while I'm skipping one of the biggest steps in adulthood: Marriage. I have no desire to get married or have kids. It just isn't on my list of stuff I want to do, as I already crossed out "find true love" and replaced it with "become a master martial artist". I mean, obviously I as an individual will manage just fine being alone my whole life, it's just how society views me is going to be a pain. More than once I have seen people (mostly my parents, but still) criticize a woman because she wasn't married. Plus, society is filled will bullshit views like "oh there's someone for everyone" and "love is the greatest thing ever" and "the only reason people live is to find their soul mate" etc. etc. etc.

Even now I'm being judged for lacking a relationship, and I'm not even legally an adult yet, and I assume that it's just going to get worse as I age. Right now being criticized for that means nothing, but once I really enter the workplace and so on it could create huge problems for me.

As a disclaimer I'm not saying that anyone in a relationship is like I said a few paragraphs above, those are just some examples I've seen, especially since I'm still in high school. So yeah.

I really love walking home from school. Since I have a spare last period, I leave early and at that time there's no one around. I also go through this empty unused road as a shortcut home, and rarely do I find people there. But, anyway it's interesting what kind of things you see and notice when walking. There are two paths I can take once I'm half-way, one walking on the sidewalk until I'm home, the other walking through the rough area and through a sports field. I tend to choose the latter because I find it more peaceful.

Today was extremely windy and rainy, though I could easily get a ride home I walked. When I came to the latter, rougher path, I looked up and saw this Happy Birthday balloon flying in my direction. Being the childish moron I am, I tried to catch it. It flew past me and got stuck in a bush behind me. I went to try to get it but it dislodged itself as I was trying to make my way through the bushy mess getting my legs stuck multiple times. After that, I gave up and proceeded to go home.

After that, I started thinking. The balloon, to me, was a reflection on my opportunities, how I feel that I just let them pass by me. The people who held me back, telling me that I was no good and that I wasn't smart enough, were represented by that bushy mess that prevented me from catching the balloon fast enough. I had trouble turning my back on the balloon, maybe I should have still gone after it? Could it have gotten stuck in another bush? Maybe I'll find the deflated balloon tomorrow?

I try not to regret too much, knowing as if it weren't for the events that happened to me I wouldn't be the person I am today. But I can't help to think, maybe if I was more independent years ago, I might have had a better opportunity. If I stood up to my parents, teachers, friends and anyone else who told me that I wasn't smart enough to take harder courses in high school, maybe I'd have a better chance in life. Though I've of course somewhat achieved independence now, I just wish that I could have achieved that before high school started.

Another thing: The balloon said "Happy Birthday".

My next birthday will be the day I legally become an adult. I only have around 5 months left of being "a child". Balloons are also a representation of childhood. I'm fine with how my childhood went, in fact I stayed an immature child longer than most. Despite that, I'm very anxious to grow up and be independent. If you asked me a couple of years ago, I would have said that I'm terrified of growing up and that I want to be a child forever. Though I think after I hit 17 I realized I'm only one year from legally being an adult, and trying to emotionally prepare myself ever since. I guess at the same time letting that balloon go represents myself letting go of my childhood.

...ahem, sorry for rambling on about nothing. You guys probably think I'm crazy now. Writing this much on a frickin' balloon. :')

I am quite content at this point in my life.

I don't know if it's just me, but I feel that I'm getting a little more respect from people around me. I don't know if it's because I'm older, or if my social skills have improved, or both. I guess I feel that I'm finally growing up, that I'm finally being treated like an adult. I feel that I'm capable of taking responsibility and I'm more prepared for challenges I'll have to face in the future. The best part? Most of this I took on myself, I realized I had a problem, so I went out of my way to fix it. Of course my life isn't 100% but I am definitely on the right track.

My goal this year, aside from getting into shape, is to prepare myself for the road ahead. I plan to take school seriously this year and work my damn ass off. Therefore, I hope to get at least 75% in my courses this year. I'll be fine if my marks are a tad lower, but I don't want to be scraping a 50% or anything. I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm sure I can accomplish it if I'm persistent.

Honestly, dropping art class as a whole this year, feels like I just got a huge burden off of my shoulders. After years of being pushed and pushed by my family to focus on art, while being pushed and pushed by my teachers that I can't draw worth shit, I'm finally free from that. I made my own choice to say "Fuck art" and pursue something else. I'm actually proud of myself for that. I don't think I can explain in words how relieved I am. Phew.

I still have no idea what I'm going to do in the future. In fact I have absolutely no clue where I'll be. But right now, I just need to focus on this year, I'll figure it out. I'm not even going to have a future if I don't get through this. So I'll put that speculation aside at the moment.

I'm happy, and it's all because of me, yey. :D

Now excuse me, I'm loaded with homework and I must finish it. Writing a 4 page essay never felt so good!

Today I was criticized by a Zelda fan because I play Zelda games for the dungeons and difficulty level.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I never properly took pictures of my Meta Knight plush, even though I made it back in December. So for anyone that cares, here they are:

( aaaaaaaa )

I'm writing this now because I won't remember later.

This summer wasn't bad. Though I didn't physically do anything I think I emotionally grew, and I'm more prepared to face the responsibilities in life than I was before. I guess I should be somewhat proud of that.

Also everyone should watch this: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/there-will-be-brawl

It's pretty funny, watch it sometime when you have nothing to do.

I think I've finally found a subject I want to study in college: Marketing.

Supposedly, it's a really interesting subject. I don't have to get a career based on it, but if I do, I could make some good money. I mean, I'm not going to make any money by going into art. Plus when I flip through magazines and whatnot I find myself analyzing the layout trying to find out how they appeal.

My dad has some old books that he wants me to sell on eBay. It might actually be a small marketing experience, as I'll have to make the layout and crap look appealing and so forth.

So yeah, everything has been flowing pretty well. I'm studying the driver's manual and I hope to drive sometime this year. I also have a garden now.... yeah.

Today while I was in the car I saw an ice cream truck go by and there was a giant picture of Sonic on it that said SonicCone. Fuck I don't care what's in it or how disgustingly unhealthy it is I want Sonic ice cream now...... Damn you marketing.

One month of summer gone and... well I haven't accomplished that much. But to be honest summer hasn't been that bad. I think it's because I've been exercising so I feel a lot better.

Also I was thinking of, instead of just writing about stupid stuff that goes on in my life, make little half-assed comic strips about them and post them instead. Since comic making is fun, and I think viewers will be more entertained with that. Rather than whining about how much I hate myself and posting simple plan and linkin park lyrics as journal entries.

Let's see, a review of what has been happening...

Well first it's summer for me, woo. I'm out of that hell hole they call school. There is a lot I could say about it, but I'll save that for September. This semester was overall okay, aside from kids whose necks I just want to snap.

My main goal for this summer is to stay off the computer. Why? Well I guess it's because I get depressed if I'm on the computer too much. And getting outside and accomplishing stuff makes me happy. Makes sense? So I'm trying to organize everything before I split apart from my computer. I'll still come online, just not that often.

I don't have anything else to say.

I got some more chalk, the shades are slightly different from my other bucket of chalk, so it worked out.

( LJ cut lol )

I did one of Poo as well but it's ugly so I'm not posting it.

http://img132.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=hammerofdeath.jpg

Feel free to comment. Critique if you wish but I'm not going back to fix anything. The hammer and the apple were made in art class, the hair and the snail were drawn during my own free time. The snail was drawn today, I found a poor snail on the sidewalk so I brought him back to school and drew him. Then I put him outside in the tall grass to get eaten by Bidoofs.

I plan to focus on original art this summer, I want to draw a squid.

I really need a new subject to talk about, really.

In art class I was assigned to do a deconstruction on some old painting. I picked the one with the most religious symbols because that seemed the easiest. So, I typed it up, pointed out what all the symbols meant (i.e. bitten apple represented sin and the forbidden fruit). I wouldn't call it the best thing I ever written, but I thought I got the basic point down.

I got 50% on it.

WTF??!!

I just didn't get it. And supposedly we have to apply these kind of meanings to our next assignment. I just can't do this.

I have no magical spiritual connection to this shit. I draw because it's fun, you aren't supposed to find anything in my drawings. I don't convey personal experiences, views, etc. in what I draw. If I see something I like, I'll draw it, that's it. I can easily imitate something, follow the rule of 3rds, put things in perspective and so on, but this? I can't do this. I can't take this metaphoric bullshit and turn it into something. I need hard, literal instructions.

My teacher has noticed this. She asked if I'd like to take an easier course, which is still based on this one but isn't as demanding. It isn't college/university level, but chances are that it'll significantly boost my mark. I just need to make my art aesthetically pleasing and put in simple art tools I've learned.

I have until Friday to make my decision. I haven't discussed this with my parents yet since my mom will be all "BLARGHARGARRRRRG". I really, really don't want to go into art anymore. I can't even stand art history, it's so boring. I'd rather study something that I can actually take an interest in.

So, I'd like to hear your opinions, since you all are forced to go through my childish art rants. :)

Speaking of art I'm currently playing Okami. It isn't a particularly challenging game but it's so much fun and it's beautiful. <3 Now that's the kind of art I can appreciate.

This is mainly just a filler because I have nothing else to do. This fleece scarf was really simple it really didn't take long to make.

http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/8610/img000462.jpg
http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/1736/img000472.jpg

Ugh my room is full of crap I made, yet I have nothing to do with it. I never really make anything for anyone, just for myself. But I never use the things I make I usually just stuff it in the back of my closet or the cupboard under my TV.

My grandma knits and she recently started giving the things she knit to charity or something. Maybe I should do something like that too.

Actually I want to start sculpting out of clay more. Even my "emoshin" art teacher said I was good at sculpting. I think the biggest reason I like working with clay is because it's so messy and squishy. :3 My two favorite things as a kid were play-doh and mud. The only problems with working with clay are that I have to clean it up and I have no comfortable place to work.

My birthday has already passed and I feel a bit better. I chose my courses for grade 12 recently and I specifically told my mom to butt out and that she had absolutely no say. I took courses which seemed to spark my interest which is a good start, now I just have to look into careers that spark my interest as well.

I tried to take math for grade 12 even though it's not mandatory, since I heard options in college are limited if you don't take it (plus it's supposedly a good help). But my teacher said she doesn't recommend it because my mark in math last year was a tad low, ugh that just pissed me off. I easily passed, it's not like I got 50% (I also missed a few days of important lessons due to my grandpa's funeral). Well, fuck that, only me and me alone understands my true potential, no other idiot has any say.

I must use this year to prepare for adulthood. I can't just sit on my ass playing video games all day long like I used to (not that I'm completely abandoning VGs, I could never do that :3), I need to work like a dog and become independent. An example would be that I plan to learn to drive this summer (winter isn't a good season for learning). I also need to look for a college I can attend to in a few years (I plan to stay in high school for one more year after grade 12). Maybe I could even get a summer job somewhere. Hehe~! The idea of being completely independent is making me excited~!

Well, I haven't updated this since December, I guess a couple of new things have happened.

Christmas was generic (and so long ago). I got some Mario figures, a Mr. Men Calender, a Blackberry Pearl, some clothes I don't care about and probably more. Of course I spent Christmas dealing with my cousins and helping them unlock cups in Mario Kart: Wii. It wasn't too bad. I spent Christmas eve playing Animal Crossing with Sparky and collecting Jingle Furniture, haha I know that sounds nerdy and pathetic but it was really fun.

I played Persona 4 shortly after Christmas (I bought it with Christmas money), it is an awesome game and everyone should play it. Shut up it's a highlight of my life! ;_; Since usually January sucks. Although I was playing the game at a bad time as it was the end of first semester and the work load was getting big. It was difficult to resist P4 and write my essays.

Speaking of first semester I got my report card today and I got 86% in Philosophy! Seriously, I usually get 60-70%. This is amazing this is the first time I got 80% in a course before. I feel like I just metaphorically spit in the face of everyone who said I was stupid. Hopefully I can accomplish that this semester too, although I don't have high expectations when it comes to art class, haha. Yaaay my life is sucking slightly less.

Anyway, it's February now. Between semester one and two I got a week and a half off due to exams, which is just awesome. Unfortunately I beat Persona 4 by that time so I was still bored. I finished my Meta Knight plush though. Here's a picture I took with my camera phone:



Semester two has started. My courses aren't bad besides art (drawing). Cartooning is good since it's something I can actually draw. Drawing class is about realism and I absolutely fail at realism. Plus I'm expected to have "emoshin" in my art and convey messages or something, fuck that. Oh well hopefully I'll pass.

My birthday is on the 18th, you all better give me presents. :3

I'm not dead. My life has just been so uninteresting that I have nothing to write about.

God I hate Halloween.

For one I have to go to school and deal with "why aren't you wearing a costume?" questions. My school makes a huge deal out of it and has stupid "best costume" contests (I think they're rigged). And it's an excuse for girls to dress in skanky Halloween costumes (cliched ones at that).

I guess I'll have to carve a pumpkin this year and put up the Halloween decorations soon. That isn't so bad though. My pumpkin last year came out well, mainly because I used a stencil. I suppose I'll do the same thing this year, I'll look up stencils on the internet. It's actually a good work out, carving though all those tough pumpkins...

To be honest it would be fun to put together a morbid gory costume. After looking at a mannequin head I wanted to put together a executioner costume. The costume would consist of a black cloak, with a hood unable to see the face, some painted mannequin heads hanging by strings in one hand and an axe in another. Anyway, as fun as it would be to put together, it would be pointless. I would never use it.

Instead I have to help my brother put together his costume. He wants to be Uboa from Yume Nikki.




Seriously wtf? I don't know how he plans to pull that off. He wouldn't even give me specific instructions either. I'm assuming I'll end up just pasting a white face on a black cloak thing.

Cold dead winter needs to come already. You know that time just right after Christmas, where all spirit seems to be dead and all that's left is snow? Yeah, that's my favorite time of the year... usually.

Edit: I've decided that I'm going to dress up as Madotsuki (Yume Nikki) for Halloween. I haven't dressed up for two years so I thought I'd try it out. I'd easily be able to pull off her.

Today would've sucked. It would have been an awful day with that overwhelming feeling of just wishing for death. It would have been one of those days where I'd just wallow in my own pit of despair and close myself off from everyone.

But, that all changed when made the choice of purchasing an Xbox 360 this morning. It made me so happy, it truly brightened my day and shall brighten my future. :) I bought Tales of Vesperia along with it too.

It's great. The console itself looks so shiny and new. The controllers are actually really comfortable and smooth. I purchased a pink controller as well which looks nice. The best part is that nobody else in my family wants it so I get to keep it in my room. Which, makes a whole lot of sense because I paid for it with my own money. I'm bankrupt now, all the Christmas/Birthday money I left piled up is now gone (I have around $100 left). Hell, it's worth it. Tales of Vesperia's graphics are amazing, well for a Tales game that is. It really is like playing an anime. I haven't gotten far enough into it to have a solid opinion yet but it seems pretty great so far.

Any suggestions for games?

I'll review what happened the past few days.

Saturday June 28

Nothing big and eventful happened. I had some cousins from my mom's side of the family come over. There were two of them, but they're only like two or four or something. My parents and my brother were completely spoiling them. They were giving them a ton of these old toys and giving them so much attention. I just sat in my room doing Kirby paper crafts (lol lifeless) so I wouldn't have to deal with them. But I slept through most of the time they were here since I took a huge nap. My parents didn't even wake me up for dinner because they were too occupied by the little cousins. When I wake up I go downstairs I see my brother and the little girl playing the Wii, and the little girl just stares and stares at me and it's creepy. After that the little boy comes running up to me asking for a drum. He expected one too since my family was spoiling him like mad. After that I isolate myself in my room again whining to Sparky about the situation until the little girl knocks at my door and simply asks "What are you doing?". I reply with "I'm on the computer." and she says "Oh okay." then walks away. Shortly after that they leave and I can go get my dinner.

Monday June 30

I had to go see my cousins on my dad's side. One is six and the other is nine. They always give me their share of bumps and bruises so I'm always in pain the next day. They kept trying to bite me pretending to be vampires or something stupid like that. I easily avoided all bites from both of them. I was getting tired of this so I told them we should sit down and draw. One of them told me to draw my favorite character, I asked her to be more specific. The other said to draw my favorite character anything, which can be either from a TV show or a video game. Knowing how I'm a loser who spends all her time playing video games, she says I should draw Mario. So, I draw Mario's head and the cousin draws a lady body on him. After that, the little cousin tells me to draw another character. So I draw Princess Peach. The nine year old cousin seemed to really like my picture and asked if she could keep it, I said sure. After she wanted me to draw all these other Mario characters so I did. Hey, it kept them from beating me up. In the end she had Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Toad, Yoshi and some random Boos. She kept bragging how she was going to hang them up on her wall and that she will have the coolest bedroom wall in her entire class or something. I was pooped after drawing all of those. Shortly after that I went home.

Um that's it.